La Remote Controle

During an excavation incident, occuring on ██/██/████ in ███████ National Park, Northern Australia, a group of scientists had discovered an ancient electronic device. The item in question appeared to be a small four (4) cm x four (4) cm x one (1) cm remote with several red cubic buttons, labelled under an as of yet unknown language. Upon investigation scientists had discovered the remote to emit vibe waves from it's center. It is yet unknown if these vibe waves have fatal effects on humans. The group of scientists was shortly after deemed incapable of conducting further research.

AUDIO FILES AVAILABLE

Dr. Smith: Yooo legit I fell like on crack brooo

Dr. Charles: Yeaaah man lowkey I'm digging this ████.

(sounds of lofi hip hop emerges)

Dr. Smith: Yooo bro this is some good stuff

TRANSCRIPT END

Upon this incident another group of scientists were assigned to test the remote. Researchers confronted the remote with biohazard suits, and it appeared to repel the vibe waves. Scientists examined and tested the buttons on the remote, but had no explanation as to what it does.

DR. KYLE'S EXPERIMENT

Famer Joe: Doc, are ya sure this will do anything? It looks like some plain 'ol remote from the '60s!

Dr. Kyle: I am most certain it will have an effect. Now please proceed with what we agreed on.

Farmer Joe: Whatever ya say, Doc!

(Farmer Joe proceeds to hold the remote at his toilet, pressing random buttons, until getting bored)

Farmer Joe: Hey Doc, ain't nothin' happenin', ya see? I knew it wouldn't be a remote toilet flush!

Dr. Kyle: ████!

TRANSCRIPT END

Dr. Kyle is to be ██████████ immediately.

DR. WILLIAM'S EXPERIMENT

Agent 04: Are you sure you have found a break through in examinating the remote?

Dr. WIlliams: Yes.

Agent 04: Why do we need to be at a zoo to test the remote?

Dr. Williams: When I was getting home from work I was allowed to take the remote with me to continue research. Upon further investigation I noticed several parts of the remote to be nearly identical to that of old audio devices. Being curious, I attempted to push the buttons on the remote, begin with the first one, top left. Assuming the button to the right was the PAUSE button I waited a couple seconds, spoke a couple words and pressed PAUSE.

Agent 04: What happened next?

Dr. Williams: Soon I discovered the PLAY button, yet it didn't play what I thought it would. Instead of my voice, it appeared to only pick up sounds from my pet rabbit Phil Swift.

Agent 04: Why is your rabbit named Phil Swift?

Dr. Williams: That is none of your business. Anyway, the remote proceeded to play his sounds, but way louder. As loud as a roaring lion.

Agent 04: So, you have brought use here to test it on other animals?

Dr. Williams: Yes.

(Dr. Wiliams tests the remote on various different animals, Agent 04 watches closely and documents)

"I can't believe I'm following command of a guy whose pet rabbit's name is Phil Swift"

(several minutes pass)

Dr. Williams: That's all of them.

Agent 04: Results?

Dr. Williams: Well, the device only picked up sounds from the rabbits, as assumed, and the elephants.

Agent 04: Elephants?

Dr Williams: Weren't you keeping track?

Agent 04: I got... distracted.

Dr. Williams: Very well.

DOCUMENT RESULTS: THE REMOTE WILL PICK UP SOUND ONLY FROM RABBIT AND ELEPHANT TYPE ANIMALS.

TRANSCRIPT END

'For the sake of "getting-it-over-with", the council of specialised researchers have agreed elephants should officially be renamed to BIG TOOTHED RABBIT, so the remote only records rabbit audio. The remaining 7 buttons on the remote are to be forgotten about and the remote is to be burried in the middle of nowhere.'